Kids say the darndest things!

     "When I grow up I want to be a painter, a doctor, a princess and God," my 4-year-old granddaughter Quin tells her mother explaining her life goals.  "This child has incredible aspirations," I think out loud as my daughter giggles describing the thoughts of her After hanging up the phone I wonder, "What will our world look like when Quin is God?" Deeper thinking leads me to believe that Quin's world is a place I want to live.
     In Quin's world everything is pink, people ride pretty horses and unicorns and everyone gets cuddles, kisses and hugs as they meet and say goodbye. Quin's world offers candy and gum for all who desire it, a simple belief that all people are kind and trusts that people will do what she wants them to do if they say please and thank you.
     In this magical world my granddaughter controls, hitting is bad and sharing is good. When one does something wrong, one needs to sit in a chair and think about what he or she will do differently next time and an apology fixes everything. The people in this world forgive quickly, love easily and smile often.
Swiss developmental psychologist Jean Piaget explains Quin's world point-of-view by suggesting that children pass through four stages of development as they grow. Quin is presently in the preoperational stage of development, which children enter at age 2 and exit around their 7th birthday.
     In this stage of development, a child is egocentric the child considers things from their own point of view and imagines that everyone shares this view because it is the only one possible. The center of a child's world is based on their belief that the world, and the people in it, is there to satisfy the needs of that child. It is this belief that allows Quin to believe that she can be God.
     Moral realism - the strong belief of right and wrong - is active in this 4-year-old. The child believes everyone shares this foundation. Children begin to respect and insist on obedience of rules at all times and are not able to take anything such as motives into account.
     This accounts for the terrible 2s, the horrifying 3s and the fabulous 4s. Two and 3-year-olds are black and white thinkers meaning there are only two answers to all questions - yes or no, I love you, I hate you, stop or go. Thinking in the world of gray (a little right and a little wrong) does not exist for young children. As the child ages, decentering occurs and the child, around the age of 4, begins to look at their world in shades of gray instead of all black and white. The 4-year-old begins to understand others' point-of-view and becomes less combative and more understanding - fabulous.
     Often children bite other kids during this stage of development because they don't understand their action is causing another's pain. The child lacks empathy. Often parents try to reason with a child in this developmental stage and offer other options besides biting but the child continues to bite. When a child bites another child, offering the biter an opportunity to see the result of their bite often stops the biting. Show the child the bite-mark; have the biter watch the other child cry and continually saying, "Your teeth did this, bad, no, don't bite again," often slows or stops children from biting.
     One of the cutest things that happen during this stage is animism. Animism is when a kid has the belief that everything that exists has some kind of consciousness. Children often believe a car won't start because it is tired or sick, or they punish a piece of furniture when they run into it because it must have been naughty to hurt them. A preoperational child often assumes that everyone and everything is like them. Since the child can feel pain and has emotions, so must everything else.
     I laugh when my wife makes one of our grandchildren hit the table or kick a rock that had the evil audacity to hurt them. The kid feels better, the tears stop and the rock seldom suffers from the encounter.
So, Quin is the God of her world. Her egocentric thinking allows her to believe that she controls her world and everyone around her feels just as she feels. Her world, full of pink-ruffled tutus, loving adults, unicorns and hugs is a pretty great place to live. I don't think I will bust her bubble by informing her that her, "God goal," might be out of reach.

Okay, I have to share a little love.

     What is love?  One might love a child, a wife, a song, a flower, a car—but what is real love and why does one love?  Can one love and hate at the same time?  Is love psychological or biological?  Might one search for true monogamous love while another enjoy frequent and casual love with many partners?  As Mark Twain pens, “Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."

     I believe I know what love is.  I’ve been deeply and passionately in love with my beautiful wife for 28 years.  I have nurtured a playful, thoughtful, guiding and loving relationship with my daughter for the past quarter century.  I worship every smile, giggle and tear of my two grandchildren and unconditionally love the two heroes who raised me.  Love great food, the work I do, my dog and summer but is love a noun or verb?  Before answering this question we must examine love.   

     I remember my almost first kiss.  Being a late bloomer, I did not really kiss a girl until my sixteenth year of life.  Having not been kissed previously, I wonder how to be sensitive but not eager, ruggedly manly but not cave-mannish, chivalrous while not attacking.

     My victim, Charlotte was a beautiful girl who understands kindness.  She talks freely and laughs often.  I decide her kindness will be rewarded with my first gentle, soft, slow kiss, which I learn and practice by watching mushy romance movies with my mom and observing the confidently passionate seniors at my high school.  I dream about kissing a girl and watch what my kiss might look like in the bathroom mirror. I am ready.  Charlotte disagrees. 

     Sitting in my Mustang at the end of our fourth date I prepare myself.  With eyes closed, I move my head toward hers and instead of lip I hit cheek.  Charlotte must have thought me too forward and turned to offer her jowl instead of lips.  Embarrassed at misreading her intentions I never call her again—my loss.

     My psychological and biological attraction equals physical aggression as I misread my friend’s intentions.  I crave physical interaction due to peer pressure, curiosity, a strong likeness for Charlotte and testosterone overload while my partner craves more conversation, nonphysical intimacy and nurturing.  I throw away a maturing relationship because of embarrassment and the desire for physical intimacy.  As a sixteen-year-old child, I am emotionally, psychologically and biologically ignorant.

     Love is understanding, listening and really hearing, paying attention and caring.  I was not really listening.  Love is active—a verb.  We actively create love and without action, love dies.   

     Biologically our bodies and brainstem understand one function—to make more of us and carry our genes into the future.  We physically desire certain traits, which create more of us as we search for those traits in a mating partner. 

     Men in 37 cultures from Australia to Zambia, judge women as more attractive if they have a youthful appearance.  Evolutionary psychologists say men are drawn to healthy, fertile-appearing women.  Women with smooth skin and a youthful shape suggests many childbearing years to come.  Women with these traits stand a better chance of sending their genes into the future. 

     Regardless of cultural variations in ideal weight, men everywhere feel most attracted to women whose waists are roughly a third narrower than their hips—a sign of future fertility.

     Women feel attracted to healthy-looking men, but especially to those who seem mature, dominant, bold and affluent.  Such attributes say evolutionary psychologists, connote a capacity to support and protect.      

     Psychological love is different.  In one’s mind, one learns to love from past exposure and experience.  One might first look at their caring blue-eyed mother and want to be around more people who look and act like her ensuring future nurturing.  When this same mother punishes, her caring blues eyes turn into strict, condemning eyes that the child wishes to avoid. 

     One laughs and plays with a neighborhood girl and loves looking at her brown, squinty eyes.  Her eyes represent fun and kindness.  One now finds brown eyes kinder than blues eyes as their view of attractiveness develops.  

     One begins to build a schema of what one finds attractive and what one finds frightening or unattractive.  The child now likes brown eyes, which make them laugh instead of blue eyes, which love but punish. 

     Now in fifth grade the child begins to play with a skinny girl with straight dark hair and straight little teeth.  The child’s new attractiveness now revolves around skinny brown-eyed girls with small teeth and dark hair.  The kid is psychologically creating their personal likes and dislikes.  They are learning through experience and brain maturation what makes them happy or unhappy in a partner. 

     The child is not just writing their future but restructuring their brain.  As they age their brain is webbing.  Neurons are searching for connections that create who the child mentally is while building the cognitive adult they will become.  The child’s brain isdeciding likes and dislikes and connecting strongly to the likes and not connecting to the dislikes.  Experiences are making the person.  Nurture is leading nature.

     One might form poor neural connections if exposed to negative experiences.  If loving parents also abuse, one might form neural connections or learn to accept punishment as pleasure and confuse abuse with love.  One might accept partners who abuse, demean or disrespect if parents lay this roadmap during childhood.

     The biological link to physical love is fleeting while offering extrinsic satisfaction.    Psychological, cognitive love is intrinsic.  Lust is not love.  The need to procreate (lust) is an animalistic human response to an unrequited desire.  Psychological love separates humans from animals.  Love is active.  Emotional love offers internal warmth, like a warm blanket on a cold winter’s night.  I choose the blanket.         

     The Hip Hop group, The Black Eye Peas, ask a question about love which most question in this hurtful, unfair world we live, in their song, “Where is the Love?”  The lyrics ask, “People killin', people dyin', children hurt and you hear them cryin', can you practice what you preach, and would you turn the other cheek?  Father, Father, Father help us, send some guidance from above, cause people got me, got me questionin', where is the love.”  Our Father answers this question about love in His book, I Corinthians, 13.
     What is love?  “Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous, or conceited, or proud; love is not ill-mannered, or selfish, or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs: love is not happy with evil, but is happy with truth.  Love never gives up: its faith, hope and patience never fail.  Love is eternal…there are faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love.”    

Bullying

     I stumble three steps back as the second kick hits squarely on my chest.  The oxygen leaves my body with an audible heave as I gasp for air that isn’t there.  I feel shocked, surprised and helpless.  Keith grins preparing, Bruce Lee style, for another blow.  I manage to squeak out a wispy, “Why,” as the third kick, which I never see lands on my temple and I hit the ground, scared at what might happen next.  Keith stands over my helpless, prone body and calmly says, “I’m going to do this to you everyday.  Goodbye.”  Keith walks calmly into our sixth grade classroom and I begin to cry. 

     Keith is in my class but I don’t really know him.  We never talk and have never had a problem with each other—until this day.  I cannot recall one negative interaction with this boy prior to this rainy, spring day that changed my life forever.  I’ve become the victim of a bully.

     A fifth grade girl is crying on the bench at the school where I work.  I sit next to her and ask what is wrong?  She tearfully says, “Someone is going to kill me.”  I comfort her as we walk to my office in search of privacy.  Once in my office I ask her to explain.  She calms slightly while pulling a cell phone from her pocket.  Without talking, she searches the phone for a text, finds it and hands me the phone.  The text reads, “You stinky ####, everyone at school hates you, I asked them, and we all wish you were dead.”   I ask, “Did you show this to your mom?”  The scared little girl responds, “No, if I do, mom will take away my phone.”

    Bullying comes in many forms including physical assault, intimidation, Internet, cell phone and texting harassment (cyberbullying), unrelentless teasing and threats.  The victim of a bully might lose their integrity, feel unsafe, question their life’s purpose and often become withdrawn and anxious.    

     Dan Olweus, provides this commonly accepted definition for bullying in his book, Bullying at School: What We Know and What We Can Do.  “A person is bullied when he or she is exposed, repeatedly and over time, to negative actions and has difficulty defending oneself." This definition includes three important components.

• Bullying is aggressive behavior that involves unwanted, negative actions.
• Bullying involves a pattern of behavior repeated over time.
• Bullying involves an imbalance of power or strength.

     If a child gets into a fight or is teased by another child, this does not necessarily constitute bullying.  If the child being teased can look the other child in the eyes and tell the child to stop and the child stops, the problem is resolved.  Teasing becomes bullying when a victim stands up for himself or herself, asks the aggressor to stop and the aggressor continues or increases the teasing, violence or threats.  A child who is larger or holds power over another child and makes that child do something they do not what to do can be considered bullying too. 

     Bullying comes in two forms, physical or technological.  The National Crime Prevention Council offers the following information to educate parents and children on the dangers of technological bullying (cyberbullying). 

     Being a victim of cyberbullying can be a common and painful experience. Some youth who cyberbully pretend they are other people online, spread lies and rumors about victims, trick people into revealing personal information, send or forward mean text messages and post pictures of victims without their consent.

     When teens are asked why they think others cyberbully, 81 percent say cyberbullies think it’s funny. Other teens believe youth who cyberbully don’t think it’s a big deal, don’t think about the consequences, are encouraged by friends, think everybody cyberbullies and think they won’t get caught.

     Contrary to what cyberbullies may believe, cyberbullying is a big deal, and can cause a variety of reactions.  Some children react in positive ways by blocking communication with the cyberbully, deleting messages without reading them, talking to a friend about the bullying and reporting the problem to an Internet service provider or website moderator.

     Youth who are cyberbullied report feeling angry, hurt, embarrassed or scared. These emotions can cause victims to react in ways such as seeking revenge on the bully, avoiding friends and activities, skipping school and cyberbullying back.

     Some kids feel threatened because they may not know who is cyberbullying them. Although cyberbullies may think they are anonymous, they can be found. If you are cyberbullied or harassed and need help, save all communication with the cyberbully and talk to a parent, teacher, law enforcement officer or other adult you trust. 

Remember:

• Never post or share your personal information online (this includes your full name, address, telephone number, school name, parents’ names, credit card number, or Social Security number) or your friends’ personal information.

• Never share your Internet passwords with anyone, except your parents.
• Never meet anyone face-to-face whom you only know online.
• Talk to your parents about what you do online.

     All parents must know what their children do on the Internet and must routinely check their child’s cell phone texts and messages.  If your child shows changes in his/her personality, talk with him/her.  If your child won’t talk, call your child’s principal, counselor or teacher and ask if they have noticed a change in your child’s actions.  Know your child’s friends.  Talk with them about changes in your child’s personality and about your child’s safety.  

     Being bullied has changed my life.  Three weeks after my initial attack by Keith, we meet face to face in the cafeteria at school.  I immediately pale and begin to sweat.  He calmly says while passing, “I’m not after you anymore.”  I feel relief but still victimized.  Every time I see Keith for the next seven years of school, anxiety floods my body as I wonder if I will become the random victim of this boy again. 

     I offer one last story.  If you wouldn’t say it in person, don’t say it online.  I have personally sent two e-mails in my past that I regret.  Both e-mails personally attack the receiver and cause me to look like a fool.  After penning my rant I chose to press send instead of delete.  I immediately feel a euphoric, “There you go.  Take that!” An hour later, I feel stupid, out of control, embarrassed and ashamed.      

    I make my living talking with people and twice I chose to be mean and intimidate via e-mail instead of talking face-to-face to resolve my frustration.  I can’t take my e-mails back and the receivers of my attack have physical proof of my stupidity—embarrassing.

     I’m embarrassed by the words I’ve written in anger and saying, “I’m sorry,” does not fix my wrongs.  I now think of the receiver’s feelings prior to pressing send on all e-mails I write.  Words are powerful and I hope the words written here give parents power to protect their children.  Bullying hurts everyone.       

Seasonal Affective Disorder

     I do not remember experiencing a more joyful, active winter as I am feeling this season.  My mind is active, my mood lifted and I’m excited about my future.  Last winter was a different story.  I wrote the following column last year while in the depth of Seasonal Affective Depression.  I was sad!  Many readers empathized with me or gained understanding into their own depression after reading my story so I offer this experience again in hope more people seek help for their seasonal depression and vitamin D deficiency.        

     It’s winter in North Idaho and I’m depressed.  I don’t remember being depressed in winters past.  I love winter—snowy Christmas mornings, snowshoeing Fourth of July Pass, harvesting our Christmas tree from Fernan Saddle, cooking rich tomato soup from canned vegetables harvested from my summer garden, jeeping in the white powder at Lookout Pass, heavy sweaters, heavier boots; wonderful memories.  So why am I sad?

     Being the person I am I think, “Just buck-up and get to work.”  “You’re not sick.”  “Quit complaining and just live with it.”  I tell myself I should quit being sad and, if I put on a happy face, things will be okay.  After all, I’m a therapist, relatively intelligent and in touch with my mental wellness.  I should be able to fix me.  I was wrong. 

     The week before Christmas my life turned upside down.  I thought I had a brain tumor and was dysfunctionally and organically out of sorts.  My blood pressure was high and my heart palpitating.  I often felt anxious, sad, did not sleep and felt neck, jaw and shoulder pain—my whole body ached.  I was dizzy all the time and struggled to walk a straight line.   

     It took all effort I could muster to rise from my couch. I started calling in sick to work and I thought I was getting old and wondered if I was dying.  I remember sitting in my easy chair in the family room of our home and my wife, looking at my sad, desperate face asked, “What’s wrong?”  I could only answer, “I am just so sad!” This scared us both.     

     I scheduled a visit with my family doctor to discuss an acute onset of dizziness (vertigo).  My doctor asked many questions, examined my body and drew blood.  We discovered hypertension and high cholesterol with all else normal but had to wait for the results of a few tests.

     Two days later the news came; I am severely vitamin D deficient.  The doctor prescribed Zocor for my cholesterol and 50,000 IU of vitamin D weekly for 4-6 months.  The doctor explained the journey back to physical and mental wellness is a lengthy one taking months to build-up the vitamin D my body lacks.  I decided to learn more about the disorder that effectively stopped my enjoyment of life.  The following is what I discovered.  

     Symptoms of vitamin D deficiency might include hypertension, cardiovascular disease, cognitive impairment, achy and weak bones and muscles, lower immunity to illness, low mood and depression.  Vitamin D comes from two sources, the sun and the food we eat.  The further north one lives from the equator the less vitamin D they receive from the sun.  Living above 42 degrees north latitude affects ones ability to receive adequate vitamin D from the sun during the months of November through February.  North Idaho, my home, is 49 degrees north latitude and void of delicious, warm, solar vitamin D for four months. 

     If the sun offers vitamin D, how might one gain the vitamin when most specialist urge avoiding solar exposure at all costs?  Some believe any exposure to the sun is unsafe but vitamin D is necessary for healthy bone growth and mental wellness.  Bare your skin and let the sunshine in—if you dare. If one is susceptible to sunburn or has a history of skin cancer, use dietary supplements to gain vitamin D and avoid sun exposure.

     Ultraviolet radiation from tanning beds and direct sunlight are carcinogens responsible for most of the estimated 1.5 million skin cancers and the 8,000 deaths due to metastatic melanoma that occur annually in the United States.  Lifetime cumulative UV damage to skin is also largely responsible for some age-associated dryness and other cosmetic changes.

     It is not known whether a desirable level of regular sun exposure exists that imposes no (or minimal) risk of skin cancer over time. The American Academy of Dermatology advises that photoprotective measures be taken, including the use of sunscreen, whenever one is exposed to the sun.  Each person needs to weigh the risks and rewards of sun exposure and make a personal choice for their own mental and physical health.  

     Some studies suggest seasonal depression (Seasonal Affective Disorder—SAD) might be correlated to vitamin D deficiency due to lack of sun exposure and lack of availability to the healthy foods of summer.  For those who cannot find adequate sun, light therapy might be the answer.  Light therapy lengthens one’s day by adding artificial sunlight when no sunlight is available (usually early in the morning before sunrise). 

     Sitting in front of a light box (available on-line and at COSTCO) for 20-60 minutes daily might offer relief from seasonal depression symptoms.  The box must be capable of offering 10,000 lux of light at eye level to be effective. 

     The food we eat—foods rich in vitamin D include cod liver oil, salmon, mackerel, butter, mushrooms, fortified cereals, and milk—also support and build vitamin D in one’s body. Grilled salmon with sautéed mushrooms on top of basmati rice drizzled with extra virgin olive oil is a treat which will help one live longer while becoming happy in the dead of winter.

     I am now four months into the journey of recovery.  The changes I’ve made include eliminating almost all cholesterol in my diet, ingesting fish oil and vitamin E each day, taking a small dose aspirin a day and taking long-term prescribed medicine for the first time in my life, exercising (by walking briskly) 2 ½ hours a week and preparing most meals I eat at home.

     I am a private person but am disclosing this very personal issue in my life for this reason.  Many friends and family with whom I’ve shared my story share similar symptoms in their lives.  They then seek medical attention and discover they too have vitamin D deficiency.  See your doctor. It takes minutes and might answer questions one has about mood, energy level, achiness or dizziness.   

     My life is better.  The sadness has mostly disappeared, my cholesterol has dropped 70 points, my vertigo has decreased to once or twice a week and my energy level has increased substantially.  I enjoy life much more than before and am looking toward the future.  A simple blood test changed my life for the better.  See your doctor and get tested. 

Divorce and Children

      A child asked this week if I thought she was a bad kid.  I looked at her with surprise and asked, “What makes you ask such a question?  I think you’re a wonderful kid.”  The child, looking down at her feet cries quietly, “I think my mom and dad are getting a divorce because I’ve been a bad kid.  They always yell at me and are upset at me.  I try to be good but I just can’t.”   She slowly raises her head and looks into my eyes for her answer.  The girl and I have lots to talk about.   

     When a couple struggles in their relationship people know.  Friends, family, coworkers and children feel the stress of an unhealthy relationship.  They become the unwilling target of projected, unwarranted explosions and belittling by an angry, anxious, scared friend, daughter or mom whose about to end their marriage.  I hate divorce because I believe it is an easy escape to an uncomfortable but fixable situation.

     Couples get angry, intolerable, rude and verbally abusive.  When this happens in a marriage the marriage loses balance.  Balance must be regained for the marriage to be successful. 

     A non-negotiable action that must result in instant separation is physical abuse.  When a partner hits, someone has to leave.  Hitting is a powerful tool to gain control when all other attempts to control no longer work and cannot be condoned.  When someone hits, someone has to leave—period!

     Almost as devastating as physical abuse is infidelity.  When a partner wanders outside the marriage and becomes intimately physical with another person, a marriage is permanently damaged.  Trust is degraded; the victim becomes insecure in their ability to please their partner and the reason for the exploration always questioned.  Trust becomes improbable and frustration increases.  So, infidelity and physical abuse are relationship killers and intolerable.  Separation then rebuilding the relationship is the only answer.      

     How does one regain balance in a relationships to build a healthy marriage once that relationship has lost balance?  John Gottman in his book, “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail,” offer suggestions through years of research on the four behaviors that make marriages fail.  He calls them the, “Four Horseman of the Apocalypse.”

     The first horseman is CRITISISM.  Complaining is different that criticizing.  Complaining focuses on a person’s behavior, “When you wash my car you don’t clean the wheels, they always look dirty,” is complaining about the way one washes a car but does not criticize.  Criticizing is a personal attach such as, “You are lousy at washing cars and don’t care how my car looks.”  It is okay to complain but not criticize. 

    The next horseman is CONTEMPT.  Showing contempt for your spouse results in disrespect and being uncaring.  Being contemptuous includes insults and name-calling.  Calling ones’ spouse fat, stupid, ugly, a jerk, wimpy, and more creative or crude names result in degrading your spouse and forming a separation of intimacy.   

     Other forms of contempt include hostile humor and sarcasm, mockery and offering negative body language.  Rolling one’s eyes, making hurtful jokes or being sarcastic truly hurts, no matter the intent.  When a spouse says, “I was only joking, can’t you take a joke,” they are really saying, “I’m putting you down and degrading you and you need to accept it.”     

     The third horseman is DEFFENSIVENESS.  No matter what one’s partner charges, one insists they are not to blame and become defensive to everything one says.  Being defensive includes denying responsibility, making excuses, whining, offering a yes, but you did it first, excuse.  Mature, secure adults accept responsibility for their action and do not need to put blame on people who question their action.    

     The last horseman is STONEWALLING.  This is the strongest and most potent horseman due to its factor of control.  A person who stonewalls does not fight back; turns into a stone wall and does not argue, fight or show emotion. The stonewaller learns that it is safer to be quiet than to speak.  This really upsets the fighting spouse who wants feedback and is not getting it.  The stonewaller controls the debate by not participating in it.  Stonewalling stops communication and forces the spouse searching for feedback to search outside the home for a voice to listen to their discord. 

     How do we build an unhealthy relationship into a caring, nurturing relationship?  First, if you and your spouse are riding one or more horseman of the apocalypse, get off the horse.  Recognize your negative hurtful behavior and quit doing it.  If you can’t, search for help. 

     Second, if your relationship is dying and neither of you have committed the big non-negotiable acts (infidelity or physical abuse) it might be time to restart your relationship.  Look back to your wedding day.  Was it a happy day?  Do you have fond memories of your relationship when it was fresh and new?  If the answer is yes, it is time to rekindle that relationship.  If possible, move into different homes, maybe back with your parents and start dating again. 

     Ask each other out on the first date again (remember the four horseman and don’t fall into the hurtful, abusively controlling ways of the horseman again).  Wait for a few dates for that first kiss, become a gentleman and open the car door for your date, be kind, generous, bring flowers and talk about your future and what being in love might really look and feel like. 

     It is time to rewrite your past into a new future.  Your past as a couple didn’t work.  Reinvent your past and create a new future.  You will be surprised at the outcome. 

     Lastly, if none of this works and divorce is the only option, remember your kids.  The ONLY way kids remain healthy after divorce is if parents co-parent effectively.  Let your children know you are divorcing because mom and dad can’t get along and it has nothing to do with them. 

     When talking with your ex-spouse, pretend you still like each other.  Kids struggle with love and loyalty during divorce.  They are loyal to the custodial parent and will protect them 100%.  The opposite is true when they are with the other parent and protect that parent when visiting.  Don’t put kids in the middle of your divorce.  

     Never speak poorly about your ex-spouse in front of your kids.  Don’t make boys become the, “man of the house,” or girls become, “little moms.”  Let your kids be kids.  If you’re sad, be sad in private; don’t turn your children into caretakers.  Don’t pit kids against parents and keep them out of court proceedings.

     Divorce is evil and hurts all involved.  To lesson the hurt, be kind!                           

Winter Gardening

     Gurney’s, Burpee, Garden Fairy, Park Seed, Pepper Joe, Annie’s Annuals, Baker Creek Heirloom Seeds, The Cook’s Garden Plant and Seed and Willamette Valley Hop Farms catalogs will arrive in my mail box in the next few weeks and my soul feels warm as my body chills.  Seeing glossy pictures of summer fruit instantaneously transports my mind to summers past.  Memories of a Cherokee Purple heirloom tomato picked from the garden vine, cut lengthwise with my Swiss Army pocket knife and wrapped with three leaves of Thai basil begins to warm my body.  As I continue my daydream, I dreamily pop the taste of summer into my mouth and feel the red and purple juice moisten my beard making the winter snow and bitter cold bearable knowing; my seed catalogs and seed-sowing season are on the way. 

     Winter is not a death but seasonal rebirth.  The bitter and frozen emptiness of winter offers the gardener and chef an opportunity for reflection and personal growth.  As the trees and garden lay dormant I begin mental work.  Which crop will replace the tomato in their beds ensuring proper rotation and a healthy, pest-free yield?  Which plants belong on the northeastern side of the garden to ensure their height does not block the sun from the smaller plants?  “Forget the pole beans and sweet peas,” I decide because no one in my family eats them.  Extra carrots for ginger-carrot soup, which freeze well and taste great, are a must-grow.

    Winter is the season of mental and physical survival.   After spending seven years living in South Dakota I am reminded of our family’s fall tradition of adding a survival duffle bag to the trunk of our car.  The bag contained a wool blanket, waterproof matches, sterno, a flashlight, radio, bottles of water and canned chili—things one needs to survive a 30-degree below zero night in the middle of nowhere.    

     My North Idaho mental survival duffle bag this winter are garden books and seed catalogs, cook books and slow roasted beans, the blog picture of my family in last year’s garden and knowing I will plant seeds in starter beds next month supported by grow lights in the basement of my home.    

     To survive this winter, I open my mental survival bag and wait for the trees to bud, plants to appear in their beds, the first crocus flower to pop through the snow and bugs and birds to reappear.   

     This year new additions to the garden excite and energize my winter blues.  I plan to raise quail for meat and eggs (their poop is great organic fertilizer) and add edible flowers to the garden.  This spring I will grow hops over the arbor gate that opens into the garden to brew beer from this fall and pinot noir grapes on the side of the house for wine.  I plan to grow mushrooms in my kitchen and am searching the covenants in my neighborhood deciding if beekeeping is in my future.  Please read future columns to discover my success or failures in these endeavors.   

     Loyal readers of the column might remember an article written by this author about my struggle with vitamin D and depression.  Recent tests, after a daily dose of 6000 international units of the vitamin, show an increase of 30 points in my vitamin D level last month.

    My seasonal depression is gone.  I strongly urge all readers who find long winters in North Idaho to affect their mood in a negative way, visit their family practitioner to assess their vitamin D level.  This simple test changed my life for the better.

    Speaking of North Idaho in winter, it’s snowing again.  I lace up my boots and put a beanie on my head in preparation to remove the 11 inches of recently fallen snow from the driveway.  I start the snow blower, put it into gear and begin the task at hand. 

     Over the scent of burning gas and fresh snow, I smell garlic and onions cooking as my wife prepares a comforting pot of vegetarian minestrone soup using the last of the canned tomatoes and dried herbs from this past years garden. 

     Minestrone is an easy and fulfilling comfort meal to prepare on a cold January night when paired with homemade buttermilk biscuits and a tall glass of milk.  Here is the recipe:

Chele’s Vegetarian Minestrone Soup

(A note from my wife:  this recipe is a starting point depending on my mood, what I can find at the grocery store and what is in the pantry.  I add or delete ingredients at-will.  The outcome is always a surprise)  

¼ C olive oil

1 medium onion, sliced

2 garlic cloves, minced

2 carrots, sliced

2 celery stalks, sliced—including leaves

1 leek, halved length-wise then sliced

1 can (28 oz) whole tomatoes (or home-canned tomatoes)

1 qt vegetable stock

Seasoning to taste—fresh parsley, dried basil, dried oregano, salt and pepper

2 cans (15 oz) cannellini beans

2 C bok choy—shredded

2 medium zucchini, sliced

½ C small shell pasta

Fresh Parmesan cheese (omit for vegan diners)

Heat oil over medium-high heat in a large pot.  Add onions, garlic, carrots, celery and leek.  Sauté until vegetables are slightly caramelized.  Add tomatoes including juice to the pot and mash into bite-size pieces with a fork as they cook.  Stir in stock and add dry herbs.  Bring to boil then reduce heat.  Cover and simmer 20 minutes.  Stir in beans and cabbage and simmer 10 more minutes.  Add zucchini, parsley and pasta and simmer uncovered for 10 more minutes.  Ladle into bowls and shave cheese over the soup before serving.   

Food Which Hurts and Heals

     A wise Spanish proverb states, “The belly rules the mind.”  Our tummy controls our behavior, cognition and mood.  We overeat to feed the growling beast within, refuse to eat to control parents who try to control and intake small portions while exercising to excess to become the perfect, pop-cultural misrepresentation of physical health. 

     One eats when sad, when happy, when angry or sometimes when feeling nothing at all.  A wide array of psychological and biological disorders result when one uses food to cure emotional ills instead of using food for its initial purpose, to nourish one’s body and mind.

     One forms a personal relationship with food which changes when one’s mood cycles.  When depressed or sad, one might dive into fatty, sugary, high carbohydrate foods which first comfort then deepens one’s depression and sadness as their waistband increases and body bloats. 

     At a holiday party one might indulge in culinary treats satisfying and lifting their mood which creates happy memories and reinforces one’s desire to celebrate life.  Let’s examine the dysfunction of food then celebrate its merits.

Anorexia nervosa          

     Anorexia usually begins as a weight-loss diet.  People feel overweight then begin to diet and, as their weight drops, continue to feel fat and remain obsessed with losing weight.  Most are women (9 out of 10) who continue to limit their food intake or exercise to excess even when their body is emaciated.

Bulimia nervosa

     Bulimia almost always happens when someone breaks a diet cycle and gorges on food.  Preoccupied with food (craving sweet and high-fat foods) but fearful of gaining weight, one with bulimia vomits, uses laxatives, fasts or exercises to excess to counteract the result of gorging. 

     People with bulimia often exhibit depression and anxiety following episodes of binging then purging.  About half of those with anorexia also display the binge-purge-depression symptoms of bulimia.  Unlike anorexia, bulimia is marks by weight gain and loss making the condition easy to hide.

Obesity

     Common arithmetic equates people get fat by consuming more calories than they expend, but is this true?  Not always.  Once one becomes fat, they require less food to maintain their weight than they did to attain it.  Why?  Because compared with other tissue, fat has a lower metabolic rate—it takes less food energy to maintain it.  Once the weight is on, it stays on unless one decides to radically change their behavior. 

     Obesity has many causes which all start with food intake.  Putting large amounts of sugary, high-calorie foods in one’s sedentary body will increase one’s weight.  Eating low-calorie, low-fat food and moving one’s bodies more decreases one’s weight. 

     If a person wants to lose weight, following these seven tips will decrease the numbers on the scale.

1. Begin a weightloss regiment only if you feel motivated and self-disciplined.  Weightloss is a life-long decision to change family food traditions, eating habits, becoming more active and maintaining these activities for life.  When struggling with motivation, a therapist might help define motivation and aid self-discipline.
2. Minimize exposure to tempting food cues.  Remove unhealthy food from your house and go to the grocery store when full. 
3. Take steps to boost your metabolism.  Move your body.  Walk, swim, run, play basketball or play with your children.  Moving your body creates a calorie burning body and is fun.
4. Be realistic and moderate.  A realistic time line for a 10 percent reduction in body weight is six months.  It took time to put the weight on, allow time to take it off. 
5. Eat healthy foods.  Add foods with color to your plate and remove golden food.  Replace bread and French fries with whole grains and fresh fruits and vegetables. 
6. Don’t starve all day and eat one big meal at night.  Eating throughout the day maintains ones energy level and avoids the gorge of starvation at night. 
7. Beware of the binge.  Most people occasionally lapse.  After lapsing remind yourself you’ve succeeded before and get back on the healthy eating horse.

     Mother’s of girls with eating disorders are often critical of their own weight and hypercritical of the weight and physical appearance of their daughter’s weight.  A family of children with bulimia has a higher-than-usual incidence of childhood obesity and negative self-evaluation.  Sufferers set perfectionist standards, fret about falling short of expectations and are intensely concerned with how others perceive them.

      There is a cultural explanation why anorexia and bulimia occur mostly in women and mostly in weight-conscious cultures.  Body ideals vary across culture and time.  In India, women students rate their body ideal as close to their actual shape.  In Africa—where thinness can signal poverty, AIDS, and hunger, and the prosperous are plump—bigger is better.  

      It seems clear that the sickness of today’s eating disorders lies not just within the victims but also within our weight-obsessed culture.  A culture that says fat is bad motivates millions of women to constantly diet.  This same culture encourages eating binges and purges by pressuring women to live in a constant state of semistarvation to achieve an unachievable perfect body image. 

Celebrate food       

     Food should not punish but reward.  Eating to punish or control creates dysfunction making food the enemy.  Food should be a friend not foe.  Eating a healthy, nourishing meal by one’s self or with family and friends creates memories that desire to be relived. 

     When happy, one remembers the food consumed as part of the happiness.  This creates a cognitive picture of the food experience reinforcing the eater’s desire to repeat the pleasant memory.  Continuing to create positive experiences around the dinner table forms a positive relationship with food which creates a happy human.      

     Eating healthy food in moderation ensures one retains a healthy relationship with food creating a healthy and often happy life.  Being happy is a choice.